Wedding etiquette for Dummies

 

I'm convinced that someone needs to publish a "Wedding etiquette for Dummies" book. Not only should this book include proper etiquette for brides but most importantly for guests as well. Since there is no such book out on the market today I've decided I am going to publish it. I'm going to title my book " Wedding Etiquette for Dummies and Those who are just Plain Rude"

Chapter 1. Wedding Guests

 

What to do/Not to Do when invited to a wedding...

1.) Thou Shalt Not ask for an invitation for your flavor of the week boyfriend/girlfriend just because they're your flavor of the week. I know this is probably hard to believe but the bride and groom who sent you that little invitation put a name on the outer envelope for a reason. If you don't see your name followed by a "and Guest" that likely means that your "and guest" is not invited.

 

2.) When a bride/groom sends you an invitation with a little paper on it that says "RSVP" that is not a coaster. It's not a paper airplane, and you don't wipe your boogers with it. It is not a Kleenex. It's an RSVP card and the bride/groom expect to have it back by the date written on it.

 

** Please note that this is especially true when they also provide you with a self addressed and stamped envelope. This usually says "I really need it back fuckers"

 

** Please also note that it is under no circumstances 'ok' to RSVP a week before the wedding. You can not expect a bride to hold your seat that long. If you couldn't care enough to RSVP what makes you think she cared enough not to replace you with someone else?

 

3.) If you are a member of the wedding party Thou shalt not wear something other than what the bride/groom suggested because you think "it looks better" Although your mother might have told you "you are special" truth is you may be but in this wedding party you are not. You do not get to tweak your outfit. If this will be a problem for you, you might as well politely decline being in the wedding party all together.

 

4.) It's very rude to expect a bride to call you the week before the wedding to deal with you and your nonsense. If you have a legitimate question which needs to be answered by the bride, just call her. Simple. Do not leave messages with her family member about having the bride call you because the bride will automatically think that

 

(A) either your question is not really important and can wait until after the wedding or that

(B) You really are special and don't know how to use a telephone, either way she will not sympathize with you.

 

** The excuse "I don't have the bride's telephone number" will not work because if you had the sense to call her mother to ask that she tell the bride to call you, you could have had the sense to call her mother and ask her for the bride's number so you can call her.

 

5.) Thou Shalt not wear white. No excuses. All guests wearing white will automatically be sent to the bathroom by the bridesmaids with a hefty bag and immediately be asked to change. Seriously.

 

6.) Thou shall be on time. Someone else's wedding is not the time to be "fashionably late" The only person allowed to make an entrance is the woman wearing white (and because we already went through that in step 5, you know it's not YOU)

 

7.) A guests job is simple. Open Invitation, Return RSVP card, Show up on time (not wearing white), sit down and enjoy the evening. If you are thinking (even for a split second) that you will have a hard time accomplishing this task, simply RSVP "Declines with Regret"

 

The End.